My Heartbreak

*Warning:  This was written during intermittent sobbing spells and a slow-burning rage.  It's disorganized and rambley, and a lot of it may only make sense in my head.*

I stood up for myself, finally.  I don't know if he ever read the email.  I'll need to force myself to stop caring.  I called him tonight, as he suggested, to ask him to come over to talk.  He said he's not coming over, if I need to talk then talk.  So I went off.  I never go off.  I have never, in my entire life, yelled at another person.  It never seemed worth it, I couldn't see why it would make anything better.  On the contrary, it always seemed to make things worse.  But I went off, yelling and screaming and name calling and as I was doing it, he kept saying, "keep going, it'll make you feel better."  In hindsight, I think he wanted me to say enough to make him angry so he could then say to me that we're not friends, and that I had some fantasy in my head of us being in some fucked up relationship.  This makes me angrier, because I had never thought that or decided that we were in a relationship; in fact he was the one who suggested, when we spent six weeks together and I gave him my virginity earlier this year, that we were dating.  I had said we were having fun.  Back then he also apologized to me, finally, genuinely.  He said that he knew that he hadn't always treated me the way a decent human being would.  But that I had forgiven him anyway, and that he was sorry and hoped that we would at least be friends from now on.  Fast forward to a half an hour ago when he yelled at me that we weren't friends, and to never call him, or email him, or the rest got drowned out by my yelling.  And then he hung up on me.  I don't understand this change.  I know it's not my fault.  I know it's him.  It's him and his whole fucked up family.  I'm sure that he and his sister and his husband are sitting at home right now laughing at me.  Those miserable people.  To hurt someone as kind and innocent as I was, you must be a miserable person.  The sad thing is that he's the only one with the potential to be a better person.  But he won't, because he's so in love with his sister that he pushes anyone else who tries to love him away.  And she uses this, because the world must revolve around her at all times, especially with her men.  She's the queen of that house, and I was the only woman who ever distracted him from her.  It's disgusting.  It's sick.  I think I thought I could save him from his future of nothing, but after tonight, I can't forgive this.  I can't forgive what he said, even if he didn't mean it, and was only saying it because she was sitting there watching him.  I bet I was kinder to him than she's ever been.  She's never satisfied with anything he does.  She talks about him behind his back, shares all of his secrets.  She does that with everybody, then wonders why no one, especially women, likes her.  I bet she never told him that she missed him.  That she loved him.  When I wrote it I meant platonically, but it still means a lot for me to say that.  But he's given that up.  I can't forgive this.  I just wanted it to be the way it was back in February.  He lived with me for a month, wrapped himself around me every night, treated me like gold, acted like I was the best thing that had happened to him, loved every second of affection, but never cared about me?  Even when we were just friends, I finally had a friend in this lonely town.

I feel like a different person.  People say that your first heartbreak changes you.  I hate the confusion of wondering if I'm right about why this had happened.  I think I am, and that he's a liar, even though his sister insists that neither of them lies.  I've never met two people who think that they are such saints, when all they do is use or hurt good people.  It doesn't seem logical his way.  But I'm expecting logic from someone like him.  Who does whatever he thinks people want him to, instead of what he really wants.  I wonder if he thinks I'll forgive him eventually.  He can't, right?  He said for me to stop calling him, like he was the one with a right to be angry and cut me off.  He stole my script!  Tonight was the first time I'd called him in 3 weeks...He called me 2 or 3 times a week for the entire month of September, but I'm the one who thinks we're in a relationship?  I thought I could help him grow up...But I can't forgive this.  Making me out to be crazy, when I'm the only one who is sane!

I don't know how I can trust people anymore.  I trusted her, so goddamn earnestly saying that she wanted to be friends, and that she considered me part of her family.  But did she ever invite me over to hang out?  She tasked me with finding something for us to do together every week, then used her husband as an excuse for why she couldn't do anything.  She made a big deal about wanting teach me how to drive, just to keep him from doing it!  She complained to everyone and turned her brother and her husband against me, telling people that I just didn't talk to her enough and I was hurting her, and she was trying so hard.

I trusted him, after that last apology, enough to give him the only thing that I had that I could only give to one man.  I feel stupid.  I thought he was changed.  I don't think he used me for sex, but that almost depresses me more because at least that would be easy to understand.

I don't know how I can continue to be the good, honest, generous, loving person that I was.  Is this what happens to people like that?  They get stepped on?  They sit crying, trying to make sense of it all?  No wonder so many people are selfish.  No wonder so many people only think about getting what they want.  Every time I forgive someone, I think I'll wonder if I'm letting them take advantage of me.  Every time I do something generous for someone, I'll wonder if they're just using me.  I don't think I can even bother to trust again.  Everything is suspicious.  People like her are why I've always had a hard time trusting women.

I feel like they've killed the girl that I was.  I don't know who I am now, but this will not happen to me again.  Is this why some women become bitches?  Is it less painful that way?  How could he be so good, and so horrible at once?  I made so many excuses for him, why didn't I see?  I thought it was awful how his family treated him, maybe they treat him that way because he's awful?  But so is she, and they treat her like a Saint?  God, I would wipe the floor with that bitch if she wasn't pregnant.  How can someone go by the name of 'Angel', and act like the devil?  And fool two stupid men into think it's so?  I want to scratch his eyes out the next time I see him.  I want to show him what he's done, how he's changed me.  I want to make him feel the pain that he's made me feel.  Then I want to laugh in his face.

I know enough, from her big mouth, to destroy that pitiful thing they call a family.

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