Blogging Challenge Day 7: My Best Friend

Yes, it's been like, 3 months.  Shut up.  I had stuff to do.  Important stuff.  Anyway, I'm back on the challenge and attempting to complete it before my birthday in May.

Best friends.  I've always preferred to have a small group of really close friends to a large group of "acquaintances", and the best friends usually lasted at least until I was at a different school.

3yrs - 6yrs - My best friend was a girl named Sarah, who lived next door to the house where my grandmother and great grandmother lived in Ohio.  I visited every summer until I was 12.  She was a couple years older than me, so by my last summer in Ohio we'd grown apart.

3yrs - 12th grade - My longest friendship is probably my most troubled.  She was ... difficult, to say the least, and the older and more mature I get I realize that I'd rather have no friends than ones who treat me like shit.

1st grade - 5th grade - Her initials were KM.  We share the same last name, which I think was what initiated our friendship.  We ended up going to different middle schools.

6th grade - 7th grade - His initials were YH.  He was a troublemaker who goofed off in class.  He amused me, my "goodness" charmed him, and we were fast friends.  It was middle school so everyone assumed that we were fucking (yes, in middle school!), but our friendship was completely innocent.  His mother moved him out of the district, so he ended up leaving my school at the end of 7th grade.

7th grade - 12th grade/kind of present - Initials BU.  Another guy.  I totally thought he was my first love ... for about 2 months.  Man, those crushes were intense.  We became brother-sister close, which makes sense, since we're both only children.  Once again, people thought something was going on between us, including his girlfriend.  We went to separate high schools, but would get home and spend about 5 hours on the phone every. damn. day.  I never thought I'd be one of those teenage girls who was on the phone all of the time, until I was.  But with a guy!  But with a gay guy.  Once I went to college we became more distant, but when I'm able to see him when I'm in Maryland, it feels like old times.

College Years - I had two best friends.  NSK and FA.  If one of us was at an event, you could probably find at least another one nearby standing in the food line.  These two were probably the least dramatic friendships that I've ever had, which probably means I should try to keep them forever.  We try to keep in touch but FA is in med school and NSK is heading there soon, and I'm terrible at calling people.

... And now? - I don't know if at my age it's possible to really have "Best friends" the way I had when I was younger, especially since I've only been in New Orleans 3.5 yrs and I'm shy at meeting new people.  My closest friends here are an almost septuagenarian and my friend Kristy, whom I have a lot in common with.  I think I'm overdue for having a male best friend again, but if he's not gay he would be in danger of me turning him into a sex buddy (because I need that, too).

Happy Frackking New Year!!! New Year's Resolutions: 2010 Edition

Ahhh.  I remember how the new year felt last year.  2009. I just knew that it would be a year of change for me, and I'm happy to say I was right.  2008 had been the worst year of my life, though, so any sort of positivity would have made 2009 better.   But looking back on the year now, 2009 was my year of change, growth, and personal betterment, and these things will follow me through the rest of my life.

I made some new friends.  I was social with people from all of my jobs and hung out and did stuff with them.  I gained some self respect and stood up to D--- for being a jackass to me, and discovered that "losing" him was better than stifling all of the anger and hurt that I'd had towards him for two years of fucking with my head and being a dick-less coward because his sister suffers from epic levels of insecurity.  Ahem.  I got rid of that shitty friend, finally realizing that I'm better off with no friends than friends that are two-faced and make me feel bad about myself.  In short, I stopped making excuses for people who are being assholes to me.  I gained a (non-biological) father.  I got a job that doesn't pay shit, but I like it and my boss listens to my suggestions and I've learned a ridiculous amount in just four months.  I'm finally toying with the idea that I may be at above average attractiveness, though no conclusions have been made yet.  I'm in love with my natural hair, and learned how to cornrow it last week, so more styles are forthcoming.  I'm in the process of going organic, and have started eating dinner-sized lunches (and no dinner at all), which has drastically reduced my issues with IBS.  I'm becoming a good cook, and am an awesome baker, and I'm making much more food from scratch.  I'm enjoying being loosely attracted to several guys, instead of intensely attracted to one.  Hmmm, what else?

Well, I made resolutions this time last year for 2009.  They were:

1. Get my driver’s license by the start of hurricane season.  FAIL.  But there were no hurricanes this year, so...I'm giving myself an extension until June 2010!

2. Post on the blog at least once a week.  SUPER WIN.  Good lord, once a day wasn't enough for me.

3. Jog 5 times a week.  SUPER FAIL.  Heh, that was ridiculously ambitious.  So was the one below.

4. Do Pilates 4 times a week.

5. Start paying off loans and credit card bills by the end of the year.  Well, my Americorp grant from the summer paid $1000 on a student loan...but I still owe ~$27K.  Plus $10,000 in credit card debt.  So, I guess this is another SUPER FAIL.

6. Do at least 3 auditions by the end of the year.  MINI FAIL.  I did one, for Treme, which was awesome, but you generally don't get auditions if you don't have an agent so this one was my mistake for not understanding how the system works.

7. Spend at least 5 hours a week writing (non-blog).  FAIL.  Must.  Write.  More!!!!

8. Spend at least 10 5 hours a week reading (books, not on the internet).

9. Go to at least one social/learning event or New Orleans cultural place a week.  SUPER WIN!!!  I did pretty damn good with this, although I didn't categorize what I meant very well (social/learning?  try food/art).  The weekends when I didn't do one, which were very few, I made up for by doing three or four the following weekend.

10. Buy a vehicle (scooter or car) by the end of the year.  Not even close.

11. Regularly keep track of spending.  WIN!  Mint.com, y'all.

12. Call out-of-state friends once every two months.  FAIL.  I'm a sucky long-distance friend.

14. Find a man!  Found one, turned out to be a boy.  So I guess that's another FAIL.

That list is made of FAIL, but I didn't even know how depressed and miserable I was at the time (or especially, why) and how can you make resolutions to better your life when you don't know what changes need to be made?  I set myself up for failure last year, but I think I'm ready this year.  Here goes it:

1. Get my driver's license by the start of hurricane season.
2. Muscle-toning/pilates 3 times a week.
3. Get some good headshots.
   
4. Get an agent and at least one audition before the end of the year.
5. Write (non-blog) for at least 5 hours a week.
6. Fuck.
7. Do some wardrobe cleansing (get rid of some shit).
8. Continue developing my thoughts and opinions on topics that matter to me, and articulate them better to others.
9. Stop taking shit, and worrying about what others think.
10. Learn to acknowledge the signs of a shitty friend before you waste your time forcing a friendship.
    

2009, you've been good to me and I'll always love you for it, but I'm done with you.  2010, you're looking mighty fine...

I'm Tired of Forgiving You

Below is the email that I just sent my "ex".  I have nothing to be ashamed of, and I'm tired of being made to feel like I do. _________________________________________________________________________________ D---, I was really looking forward to seeing you tonight, because I've missed you.  Then I found out that you were here, while I was home, and apparently didn't bother to stop by or call and see when I was coming home if you thought I was gone.  I don't understand what is wrong with you, and I'm tired of trying to understand.  You act like you want me to be more then a friend (and calling someone 2 or 3 times a week for an entire month is definitely "more than a friend" territory, and you clearly missed me, too, while you were gone), but then you push me away and act like I'm a stalker for trying to maintain a connection.  You act like you want to be friends, but you do something entirely shitty like coming back to town and not making any kind of effort to contact me.  I'm not saying  you had to rush over and see me as soon as you got here.  A simple call saying that you were in town and would see me when you got settled would have been fine.  Or when you came over tonight, you could have called to see when I was getting home if you thought that I wasn't here. I've been so understanding with you over the past 2 years.  I've forgiven you so many times when you've hurt me, because I know that you're really a good person and I see something special in you.  But I've let people walk all over me my entire life, and I've finally realized this year that I deserve better than that.  All I've ever been is kind to you, and you're kind in return for a while, then you crush me like you don't give a shit.  And I know that you do, even though you tell your sister that you were just fucking me.  She has no problem telling other people that, so don't be surprised that it eventually got back to me.  In my gut, I know that our relationship wasn't about sex because 1) We only had sex twice, so it's doubtful to me that that's what our relationship was about, and 2) I saw how you looked at me, I felt how you cared about me, I could see how you liked making me happy for the short time that we can say we were together. The funny thing is that I never even asked that much of you.  To this day I've never actually thought that I wanted you as a "boyfriend", in the formal sense.  To me, there's no reason for people to put definitions like that on relationships.  I just wanted to hang out the way we did before you left, very easy and fun.  You always assumed that I wanted more, but you never bothered to ask me what I wanted or tried to define our relationship through my eyes.  You really don't know enough about women, especially me, to make such assumptions.  I always wanted you to relax and just let things happen as they happen.  For someone who acts like he's so laid back, you were constantly trying to define and figure out what we were doing.  And really, I think you were and are too worried about what everyone else will think about us.  The only time you didn't seem to care was when we were dating in February, and everyone else we know was away. I'm not your secret.  You should be ashamed that you would treat someone as kind, caring, generous, attractive, intelligent, and ambitious as me like something to be embarrassed about.  If you asked most men, especially the older ones who know a lot about women, they would tell you that I'm the kind of woman that you should hold on to, even if you're not sure what to do with me yet. You've treated me like I'm some secret mistress that no one's supposed to know about, who's only kind to me when no one else is around so it's easier for him to tell people that he's just fucking me, or pretend that I'm crazy for thinking that he likes me.  The D--- who will visit the neighbors and spend time with the dog before he comes to see me.  I'm tired of you punishing me when all I've been is kind and forgiving towards you.  I don't deserve that.  And you know this. I like the D--- who I was dating for 3 weeks in February, the one who'd wrap himself around me in bed and made me feel warm, the one who watched the same TV shows that I did and liked the same movies and taught me all sorts of things that I didn't know.  I miss that one, and if you ever stop being afraid of letting him show, tell him I adore him and he can come over anytime. I'm starting to realize that being such a nice person hasn't gotten me what I want most of the time.  In a world full of mean, selfish people, the nice girls always finish last.  I could have waited for you to contact me whenever you finally felt like it, and pretended that I wasn't hurt that it took so long and just been happy that you were talking to me again.  I'm sure that's what you expected.  But I think that girl is dead, and you (though, not you alone) are the one who killed her.  I'll still be good to the people who are good to me, but everyone else will be called on their bullshit, and that's why I'm writing this to you.  You haven't been good to me lately, and I'm calling you on it. You always take the easy way out, which means admitting that you were wrong, giving a half-assed apology that you don't really mean, and being happy that you don't have to deal with the unpleasantness of conflict anymore.  You can do that now, and not contact me anymore.  But if you are really a man who's almost 30 instead of a little boy who's afraid of his feelings, and if you've ever really cared about me, you'll try to fix this.  I can't promise that I'll forgive you this time, but I love you the way that I love all people who I consider really good friends (meaning, platonically) and I hate loosing really good friends, even if I'm the one to end it. I want the fun times back.  I'm tired of being in pain. Denise

Friendship

I just discovered/realized in the past few days that a friend who I thought was unaware of the shitty things that she does might just be a shitty person for selfish reasons, and I'm 90% sure that she doesn't really consider me a friend.  I always try to veer away from just demonizing people and turning them into villains because it makes me feel better, but...a lot of stuff makes more sense this way.  It was sort of an epiphany that I had while talking to someone else about her.  I hate this stupid feeling that I have now.  Also, this has me feeling slightly sorry for her husband, who I can't stand, and that just pisses me off.