Blogging Challenge Day 9: My Beliefs

I assume that this question is about religious beliefs.  I don't have a simple answer to this question.

Most of my religious experience is with Christianity.  I was raised a Baptist.  I still have my Precious Moments Bible that was given to me by the Pastor at Floral Baptist Church in 1991 when I was six years old.  I've had an embarrassing phobia since I was a small child that led me to, when I was a teenager, read the Bible from Genesis to Psalms, as penance for any transgressions that I may have done that may have caused God to bring about the event that I feared.  This lasted for a summer before I realized that it was not only childish, but hypocritical.  I thought real Christians shouldn't just run to God when they're scared - they should always be devoted.  I decided that if I wasn't ready to be a devoted church-going Christian, then I shouldn't bullshit otherwise (like my mother, who only goes to church when she's broke and depressed) and that I would just live my life until I figured it out.

In college I had a lot of friends who were active Christians, and while I admired them and felt that they embodied all of the goodness in that religion (kindness, patience, way less judgement then the average person of any religion or non-religion, etc.), I myself kept Christianity at a distance from myself.  I don't want to go into a long diatribe of all of the evil that has been done in the name of Christianity, but I'll say this:  There's a difference between a sect of religious fanatics doing something horrible in the name of their religion, and a religion becoming conflated into various political institutions that have been used as a tool to cause suffering, death, and oppression to nations of people for centuries.  I can see the beauty of spiritual Christianity in my college friends and other good people that I've meant since then; but I cannot reconcile my newfound racial, social, feminist, and political beliefs with a religion that, as a very strong political force, is against everything that I'm for, and vice versa.

Other religions?  I don't know much about them, and while I want to do research and learn more about them (I'm very curious about pagan religions), I don't see myself being able to (or needing to) commit to them anytime soon.  As far as "sinning" or following the rules of the "right" religion, I'm not big on rules that seem to go outside of the realm of simply being a decent human being.  I am a decent human being, so I'm not concerned about rules that are meant to control sexuality, or what we eat, or what hand I wipe my butt with, or whether I agree with what the people who I love believe in or worship.

Now that I've said what I do not believe in, I should say what I do believe in.

I believe that, at 25 years old, I'm too young to really know one way or another if there is a higher power.  I simply have not had enough life experience to know¹.

I think that there is.  Rather, maybe, I feel that there is.  But I can't call it God, or Allah, or any of the other named major gods, because those names carry the beliefs of all of their associated religions.  I don't know what it is, but I think that no human knows what it is.  I feel that the major decisions that I've made in my life were almost unconscious - almost like they had already been decided, and I just waited for somewhere deep inside of myself to go "this is the way, child.  Go.  You might fall off of a cliff, but you will be caught before you land".  And I go.  And in the end, I've never regretted any of those decisions, because the experiences that they led to, whether good or bad, seemed necessary.  I feel like something pushes me, and it's bigger then myself.

So, in simpler terms, for now:

I do not believe in any organized or structured religion.

I'm also not an atheist.

I think that I fall under the term agnostic.  That works for me.  Writing this post is actually the most that I've thought about my religious beliefs at once, and the first time that I've defined myself as agnostic.

¹ I am sometimes disturbed by people who are my age or younger, or equivalently sheltered, who seem to vehemently believe in or don't believe in ___.  Who told them that they had to choose so soon?  What is the point in choosing so soon?  I don't want my future children making decisions about anything like that at such a young age.  But aside from the random experience of a young stranger trying to convert me to Christianity on the Tulane Ave. bus by telling me I was a bad person because I lie (rarely), most of the young Christians that I've met or known are not judgmental or pushy they way they are often depicted in the media - that's the political Christianity that you're seeing there.


More often, I find that some of the young (and not-so-young) atheists that I've met are extremely judgmental and are offended by the mere presence of any level of spirituality, even if it's not being pushed on them.  It's okay to not believe, but I'm talking Bill Maher level of nastiness with regard to religion, which makes me want to start punching people.  I can understand the viewpoint of atheists, but I am disgusted when I hear anyone talk about religious people like they're just plain stupid people who have no worth, which I hear and read more and more in majority liberal settings.  I'm glad that in your vast 20-30 years of life experience you've definitively proven to yourself that a God doesn't exist, but yourbeliefisnomorefactthantheirsI'msorryyourparentsmadeyougotoSundaySchoolbutgetoverityourarroganceisjustasignorantpleasegofuckyourself*punch*!  No matter how I feel about religion, I can't support anyone being so goddamn judgmental.

Blogging Challenge Day 8: A Moment (or Two)

Two animal related moments.

On Sunday I decided to wash Biko, who hasn't had a decent bath since it became cold (so, before late November).  It's so funny reading a dog's body language and trying to guess what he's thinking.  Biko is afraid of water when it's spraying out of the hose, so whenever he's not on a leash and he sees me reach for the hose, he runs off to a safe distance and watches me with what I suspect is suspicion in his eyes.  When I give him a bath, I alleviate the problem by tying his leash to the fencepost and tricking him into coming close enough for me to attach it to his collar, which is what I did on Sunday.

He looks at me confused.  I climb over the fence and reach for the hose, turning it on.

He sits, shoulder's hunched, head slowly sinking while looking up at me.  He knows what this means.  I kind of love the moments when I know exactly what he's thinking.  I felt a little bad for him, but clean dogs get longer belly rubs, and he looks so pretty when he's clean.

The second moment was last Saturday, when I realized that a lizard that was hanging out in front of my door was in fact stuck via fresh paint.  My landlord's son painted my porch in the morning while I was asleep.  By the time I was leaving the house for the first time around noon, it was dry enough to walk on, but the lizard apparently didn't wait long enough and was effectively glued to the spot right in front of my door.  I didn't want to use my fingers in case it got scared and bit me, so I grabbed a piece of the dead banana tree leaves that had blown into the courtyard and poked at each of the lizard's little feet until they were free.  It still didn't move.  I realized that it's little belly was stuck, too, and poked at that until the lizard finally slowly waddled off, surely in pain (it didn't lose any major body parts, but it was impossible to get it loose without taking off a couple of wee toes).  I wonder how long it had been there...

Blogging Challenge Day 7: My Best Friend

Yes, it's been like, 3 months.  Shut up.  I had stuff to do.  Important stuff.  Anyway, I'm back on the challenge and attempting to complete it before my birthday in May.

Best friends.  I've always preferred to have a small group of really close friends to a large group of "acquaintances", and the best friends usually lasted at least until I was at a different school.

3yrs - 6yrs - My best friend was a girl named Sarah, who lived next door to the house where my grandmother and great grandmother lived in Ohio.  I visited every summer until I was 12.  She was a couple years older than me, so by my last summer in Ohio we'd grown apart.

3yrs - 12th grade - My longest friendship is probably my most troubled.  She was ... difficult, to say the least, and the older and more mature I get I realize that I'd rather have no friends than ones who treat me like shit.

1st grade - 5th grade - Her initials were KM.  We share the same last name, which I think was what initiated our friendship.  We ended up going to different middle schools.

6th grade - 7th grade - His initials were YH.  He was a troublemaker who goofed off in class.  He amused me, my "goodness" charmed him, and we were fast friends.  It was middle school so everyone assumed that we were fucking (yes, in middle school!), but our friendship was completely innocent.  His mother moved him out of the district, so he ended up leaving my school at the end of 7th grade.

7th grade - 12th grade/kind of present - Initials BU.  Another guy.  I totally thought he was my first love ... for about 2 months.  Man, those crushes were intense.  We became brother-sister close, which makes sense, since we're both only children.  Once again, people thought something was going on between us, including his girlfriend.  We went to separate high schools, but would get home and spend about 5 hours on the phone every. damn. day.  I never thought I'd be one of those teenage girls who was on the phone all of the time, until I was.  But with a guy!  But with a gay guy.  Once I went to college we became more distant, but when I'm able to see him when I'm in Maryland, it feels like old times.

College Years - I had two best friends.  NSK and FA.  If one of us was at an event, you could probably find at least another one nearby standing in the food line.  These two were probably the least dramatic friendships that I've ever had, which probably means I should try to keep them forever.  We try to keep in touch but FA is in med school and NSK is heading there soon, and I'm terrible at calling people.

... And now? - I don't know if at my age it's possible to really have "Best friends" the way I had when I was younger, especially since I've only been in New Orleans 3.5 yrs and I'm shy at meeting new people.  My closest friends here are an almost septuagenarian and my friend Kristy, whom I have a lot in common with.  I think I'm overdue for having a male best friend again, but if he's not gay he would be in danger of me turning him into a sex buddy (because I need that, too).

Blogging Challenge Day 6: My Day

Instead of covering one calendar date, I'm going to cover a 24hr period, from the afternoon of September 17th to the afternoon of September 18th.

Biko, grinning at me.

1:00 pm:  Started setting everything out for the PNOLA Staff BBQ, everyone starts bustling around putting food into cars and heading to Bayou St. John to set up.  The boss and I head to my house to borrow my landlord's grill and pick up Biko - pretty dogs are always invited to the BBQ.

1:27 pm:  Biko decides to dive headfirst into the Bayou.  I walk along the edge to make sure that he doesn't get tangled in his leash, which is still attached to his collar.  He doesn't, but tries to get out several times when he's tired, to no avail.  He's in the middle section between two bridges, and he'd have to climb up the concrete ridge to get out.  I try to get him to swim over to the area next to the bridge where he could just walk out, but he's stubborn, and a coworker and I end up pulling him out, soaking both of us (and almost spilling my wine cooler!).  He's a skinny dog, once you get past the fur.

1:45 pm:  Mmmmmm, someone made potato salad for us, and it's the best I've ever had, topped with bacon, chives, cheddar, and onions.  I have 3 helpings.  Errr, small ones.

2:13 pm:  He's also a brilliant dog.  He's been staring at a plate of hamburgers for 10 minutes, and I've been watching him to make sure that he doesn't mess with them.  Once they get down to 2, I turn my back for a second and he bumps the plate with his nose and runs off as it falls to the ground.  Totally accidental, right?  And no choice left but to give them to the dog, who happily eats them whole.

2:30 pm:  Man, I drowned this soy burger with ketchup and it still tastes like ick.  BBQs make me rue the day that I quit beef.  I'm just going to have to buy some turkey or chicken patties and save them for these occasions.

4:00 pm:  BBQ over and I'm back home.  I ride with my landlord to run errands, ending with a trip to Whole Foods where I buy some Shrimp Jambalaya, which is not jambalaya (jambalaya is not soupy, Whole Foods!), but gumbo.  It is, however, yummy.

6:00 pm:  My package has arrived!  I ordered a "magazine table" to help organize my living room a little better.  The bottom shelf will be used for shoes - there's no way I can keep the floor clean if I let people keep their shoes on when they come inside.  The middle shelf is where I'll move all of my books, which are currently sitting on top of my mantle, which may be sloooooowly falling towards my gas wall mounted heater.  And the top shelf is where I'll put my keys and little decorative items.  I haul it inside, debating whether I want to put it together now or tomorrow.  Tomorrow.

7:30 pm:  My head hurts.  Why?  I did twist my neck some kind of funny way at the BBQ, when I was trying to hold on to Biko's leash while pulling my booze out of my bag.  I'm going to lay down and play on the internet.

9:00 pm:  My head hurts so bad that I couldn't even finish a brownie, and these are really good brownies.  The Aleve doesn't seem to be helping.  I think I need to just go to bed.

9:30 pm:  Out like a light.

5:30 am:  Annnnnnd I'm awake.  Headache gone, thank goodness.  I try to see if I can go back to sleep, at least until the sun is up, but no dice.  I listen to my podcasts for a while, download and play a Monopoly app on my iPhone (which I rock at), and read some blogs until about 9:00 am.

9:30 am:  I'm hungry.  I should probably shower first, or no one will want to have breakfast with me.

10:15 am:  Showered, dressed, and pretty cute.  I knock on my landlords door.  Still asleep.  In 40 minutes, he and his son will be ready to go to breakfast.  I decide to put in a load of laundry, then I can't help but get started on putting together my bookshelf.

11:30 am:  That was longer than 40 minutes.

Noon:  We decide to go to Ruby Slipper, because I get their newsletter and am craving their crab cake breakfast.

12:30 pm:  Nom-nom-nom-nom-nom.

1:20 pm:  Back to the bookshelf.

1:45 pm:  Finished!  Ooooh, it's so pretty!  My books look great on there, don't they?  

Blogging Challenge Day 5: My Definition of Love

I was going to write a poem, but then I found the following, here:

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul, and you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning and company doesn’t mean security, and you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts and presents aren’t promises, and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child, and you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure… that you really are strong, and you really do have worth.

I think that sums it up perfectly.

Blogging Challenge Day 4: What I Ate Today

Well, this is significantly easier than my last topic.

Breakfast:  Cereal (Honey Bunches of Oats in Silk's Vanilla Soy Milk)

Lunch:  Eaten at The Country Club (Bacon, Scrambled Eggs, Grits, Grapes, and Toast.  And 2.5(!) Mimosas.  And a dessert of Vanilla Ice Cream sandwiched between homemade ginger-molasses cookies.)

Dinner:  Cereal again.

Dessert:  One brownie, of a batch that was homemade by me.  I've been told that they're the best brownies ever, and I've got to agree, I'm glad I found it.  Here's the recipe.  You're welcome.

Blogging Challenge Day 3: My Parents

Blogger's Note:  This post took me two weeks to write, much of which was spent...not writing it.  If I had a therapist, he/she would say that I have unresolved issues with my parents.  I would reply that the two years that I spent as a psychology major clued me in to that, maybe I should pay myself to tell me shit I already know.

My Mom was born and raised in Southeast DC, but also spent some time living in Chillicothe, OH, where her mother's family lives.  From what I know, she wasn't very good in school and after graduating at twenty, she tried numerous paths (such as fashion school) and gave up on every one of them.  I think maybe she didn't have the confidence to believe that she could be successful - I see some of that in me, too.

I'm not sure of the circumstances of her pregnancy.  I've never heard a word about my father, so I always figured it was a one night stand that occurred around her birthday (I was born a day shy of ten months after her 31st birthday).  I'm working up the nerve to ask her about him, because I'd like to know if I have any brothers or sisters, and what my father's cultural background is.  I've always gotten a lot of "You look like you're from Nigeria/Ghana/Guyana/Africa (the entire continent?)" from other Black people, some from those countries, and have always responded with a deadpan, "I'm from DC".   I wouldn't be embarrassed if my father isn't Black American, but I hate it when people assume things about me, especially since when I was young I thought that they were only suggesting that I was from somewhere else because I'm very dark-skinned.  The weird thing is, I look so much like my mother (everyone comments on it), except for when you compare the dominent features of our faces:  I have a completely different nose, my lips are way fuller, and my eyes are bigger, with an almond shape.  I'd really like to see if I got these features from him.

My Mom spent much of her motherhood doing the single parent thing.  Low-paying jobs that she hated, sometimes more than one.  Occasional boxes of food from churches, several periods of living on unemployment checks.  Crappy cockroach-infested apartment in an increasingly bad neighborhood that she traded in when I was fourteen for a nice-looking low-income apartment surrounded by McMansions.  I wasn't able to go to the state-of-the-art performing arts high school that I had enrolled in because of the move and her unwillingness to let me ride the Metro bus, and I hated her for it for my entire high school run.  I just made myself suffer, though, unwilling to socialize in any sort of normal high school fashion, I was a loner who was so perpetually depressed that I spent months searching for the perfect prom dress to show my classmates how pretty I really was, only to decide two weeks before the night that I wasn't going to go.  I understand it now, though.  I'm her only child, she's invested all of her time and happiness in me, so she overprotects me.  We'd moved into a much safer area, but she was still not going to take the risk of something happening to me during a 15 minute commute to school.

She says that she had to be both parents, but I would actually say that she was more the traditional father (disciplinarian and breadwinner) than the mother. I spent most of my childhood thinking that I was an unloved burden because she rarely hugged, kissed, comforted, or said that she loved me.  I get now that it's hard to be vulnerable and loving with your child when there's no one else to fall back on to do the disciplining, but I rarely needed to be disciplined anyway.  My blog is titled what it is because I was that kind of little girl, and am still struggling to shirk that label today.  But a lot of single mothers, I think, are forced to be "hard" with their children, and I hope that I never know what that's like.

I didn't realize that she had affection for me until I went away to college and she demanded that I call her twice a week.  That was when the "I love you's" started, the hugging whenever she sees me in person, the passive aggressive questioning of why I chose to move a thousand miles away from her after graduating.  I still have to call her twice a week, at 25 years old, and boy do I get a guilt trip when I get too busy or forget.

I think that because I didn't receive much affection from her when I was growing up, I don't know how to show her affection now.  This has translated to me either being overly clingy or now, overly cautious (which reads as distant) in nearly every friendship that I've had with a girl.  My interactions with her are usually filled with me being annoyed with her for something stupid that she said that I could have easily ignored, her being patient with me for my bratty tone, me being mad at myself for not being able to raise my low threshold for annoying things, and finally, me wondering if spending time with my Mom would be easier if I were slightly drunk for the whole week.  She'd worry that New Orleans has made me an alcoholic, but she may accept that if I'm easier to get along with.

She hates her job, doesn't have any hobbies, no boyfriend, and few friends.  I'm all that she has, which leaves me feeling boxed in.  Like I've got stop figuring out what I want to do with my life and just get a good paying job, because in 10 years she'll be too old to work and has no savings for retirement, so I need to be ready to take care of her.  Like if she ends up having some sort of medical crisis, I'll have to let my life be absorbed back into hers and move back to Maryland and become another person who's buried all of their dreams.  Like if I don't open myself up to men that I don't think I want to date, I'll end up alone, investing all of my time into a kid that I never wanted to have without a husband, like her.

Like she thinks that I don't love her because I moved so far a way, and seem even more distant when we talk on the phone.  Then I realize that I don't really know how to love her, so why would she think that I do?  All of the ways that would show her that I love her involve me not living a life of my own, and I can't do that.  I have a great fear of death, and so I decided that if I had to die, I would make sure that my life was as happy as possible, and as nasty as it sounds, the idea of living anywhere near my Mom right now feels like death, like the rest of my life would be pointless.

I'm trying to convince her to go back to school, to move, to enter in to a career, to do anything that gives her something more than me, and relieves some of this pressure.  I'm not sure what a daughter is supposed to be, or what we're supposed to do once we're adults, but I think that she thinks that I'm supposed to dedicate my life to her the way she dedicated her life to me.  I guess that I think that if I help her find a life of her own from now on until she dies, she won't expect me to give her more than I can.

I didn't mean for this to be nearly as depressing as it is.  I like to think that my mother's future will be much brighter than her past now that she's unburdened by me, and I want to help her make that happen.

Blogging Challenge Day 2: My First Love

Well, this should be pretty easy since... I've never been in love before. I consider myself a late bloomer. I just started dating in my early twenties, and haven't really dated that much yet. It bothers me sometimes that I haven't experienced what so many others my age have already, but I'm starting to already see that a lot of things are wasted on youth, love included. Can we really understand and appreciate it? So many can't, and I wonder if I should relax and have fun in the 5 years that I have left of my twenties, and save the love and romance for when I know exactly what to do with it. Don't get me wrong - I won't turn it away. But there are too many girls my age looking for their husband and the father of their children, when they barely know how to take care of themselves or what they want from life. I'm still figuring that stuff out, and I know that if I rush it I'll get it wrong.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:Ursulines Ave,New Orleans,United States

Blogging Challenge Day 1: Allow Me to Introduce Myself

My profile says a little about me, but I was pseudo anonymous when I started this blog almost 2 years ago and never formally introduced myself.

My name is Denise. I was born in Southeast DC in 1985. When I was four my Mom and I moved to Montgomery County, MD. I could write a whole post on the drastic change in demographics from SE to MoCo, and I may in the future. For now, I'll just say that I greatly benefitted from going to school in a county that houses millionaires, despite my Mom and I being poor.

I had a lonely childhood since I have no siblings and am pathologically shy - I never had more then a handful of friends at a time. Now that I'm older, I can appreciate that having few friends often leads to stronger friendships. From 5th grade until college, my very best friends were always guys. I still find that it's easier for me to socialize with men.

I went to college at Cornell University, which for some reason makes me feel insecure when I tell people. I used to believe that I was extremely smart before I went there; since then I've struggled with the idea that I may still be, but in a weirder way than "smart" is typically defined. Or maybe I just spent K-12 surrounded by morons. Either way, part of my purpose for writing here is to develop my thoughts better, because if forced to talk about something I haven't thought about before, I can sound pretty stupid. I'm significantly better then I was just a year ago, but I still find that it looks like my IQ jumps 30 points when I write instead of speak. I'm probably being a little hard on myself, but I recently realized that the last guy that I dated treated me like I was stupid (he never bothered to get to know me enough to know better), and I find myself wondering if I should continue bothering with the current crush, who may be heading the same direction.

During my junior year at Cornell I came to New Orleans with a group from my school to volunteer and fell in love with this crazy city. There was no doubt in my mind where I was going to live post-graduation, and I've been here for 3 years now. I'm just getting more time to enjoy and explore New Orleans, and I look forward to everything that I learn and experience while here, good and bad.

What else? I'm currently an AmeriCorps member with a non-profit called The Phoenix of New Orleans, and I work at a store in the French Quarter a few days a month. I have no vices other than chocolate. Babies and dogs seem to inexplicably love me, and I'd like at least 2 of each in about 10 years. Erm...that's enough for now. Y'all will know more then enough about me when 30 days are up.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:N Carrollton Ave,New Orleans,United States

Blogging Challenge!

I found this challenge on Bayoucreole’s Weblog, and decided to snatch it for my own. I've been wanting to do one for a while, and even though this one is time consuming, I want to get back to posting once a day and this challenge won't require research they way some of the other challenges that I passed on did. Here's the rundown:

Day 01 - Introduce yourself
Day 02 – Your first love
Day 03 – Your parents
Day 04 – What you ate today
Day 05 – Your definition of love
Day 06 – Your day
Day 07 – Your best friend
Day 08 – A moment
Day 09 – Your beliefs
Day 10 – What you wore today
Day 11 – Your siblings
Day 12 – What’s in your bag
Day 13 – This week
Day 14 – What you wore today
Day 15 – Your dreams
Day 16 – Your first kiss
Day 17 – Your favorite memory
Day 18 – Your favorite birthday
Day 19 – Something you regret
Day 20 – This month
Day 21 – Another moment
Day 22 – Something that upsets you
Day 23 – Something that makes you feel better
Day 24 – Something that makes you cry
Day 25 – A first
Day 26 – Your fears
Day 27 – Your favorite place
Day 28 – Something that you miss
Day 29 – Your aspirations
Day 30 – One last moment

The internet is about to learn a lot about me; be a little frightened.