11.03.2010

Depression Pt. 1: Work

It was just 2 months ago that I was really excited for this new year at work, and thinking about maybe staying longer then that, but now I'm not even sure if I can even complete this year.  I think that the bases of my complaints are correct, but I'm probably not handling them well.  I came home during lunch to cry today.  Not cool.  I think that the last time I was this depressed was when d and I had our final argument, but I didn't bring that to work with me.  I feel like I was the only one who stuck by my boss when he was having a really difficult time with other employees, because it seemed like the right thing to do.  Staying late.  Helping him out when I could have been at home.  And I didn't mind, because I like my job and I like him and it felt good to be able to help.

But now, as hard as I try (harder then anybody) to be a great employee, there always seems to be some complaint, or some general disrespect for the fact that I know what I'm doing and I've been doing it for a year and I haven't fucked up nearly as much as anyone else who's done the same job, including him recently.  Earlier this year I was hearing that I should be more independent, and not ask him so many questions about the things that I'm responsible for.  Now, I'm being told that I have to pay such and such bills because he DEMANDS it, which of course puts us in overdraft, and then he tells me that I need to be better about telling him no.  When the fuck have I ever felt like I could tell him no?  Does he want me to handle shit, or does he want to micromanage it, and then complain about everything that he doesn't have time to do?  It’s constantly, "I'm the boss, so do this".  And I do it, more than everyone else does, and all I get is shit piled higher and higher, more stress, more work that other people are supposed to be doing.  I get moody and snippy when I feel like no one is listening to me, and I know it's been coming out lately.  Sigh.

Last April - July I was this frustrated.  Everyone else was doing whatever they wanted to, except for me.  But any mistake that I made would get pointed out and I'd have to hear the snotty tone that he gets when he's annoyed.  Meanwhile, all of these people who aren't doing half of the work that I was doing (and talking shit about him behind his back) get jokes, and laughs, and general lightheartedness and camaraderie, and absolutely no questions about what they were or weren't doing.  It feels like it's going to be the same this year.  He takes it easy on everybody, and I'm the workhorse.  Maybe because his expectations are lower for everyone else?  Maybe he just likes them better than me.  It got a lot easier once they were gone.  The new crew aren't necessarily not working hard, but he always stressed that he didn't want to answer questions that could easily be looked up, and that seems to have flown out the window this year...except for with me.

I'm one of those people who, when I like my job, I always want to do the best that I can.  Even when it's not appreciated.  But I understand why so many people slack off at their jobs.  If you don't like what you're doing or who you're working with, it's hard to motivate yourself to care.  Last year it felt like everyone had checked out by March.  I feel like checking out.  I wouldn't be so upset if I didn't care.  But ... I still can't do it.  If I start slacking off, I might as well quit.  I don't like not working at work.  But we're helping people rebuild their houses.  I can't slack off or quit knowing that it could have a negative effect on people who are already going through the worst few years of their lives already.  That’s why I moved here in the first place.  And I like this organization.  But the more and more depressed that I get, the more ineffective I find myself being, like my brain is subconsciously slacking off for me.

I almost always end up feeling under-appreciated at every job that I have.  I should probably start working on being self-employed...

1 comment:

bayoucreole said...

First, being self-employed sounds like a magnificent thing to me!
Second, what the fuck is he talking about...you need to be better at telling him no! I wish I was there...he'd hear NO loud and clear when I finished with him. What the hell does he want you to be? HIS MOTHER??...Yes. I was a secretary for years before I went into nursing...they want you to be their mother. I feel your pain.
Ya know the main reason I became a nurse wasn't for the money (although it's great) it was because, I got so tired of asshole bosses that, I wanted to be able to tell them to kiss my ass and walk off and NOT have to worry about my next job. That luxury alone outweighs any deficits in the career.