Fixing Broken Things - Random Thoughts

A recent visit with my therapist helped me realize that I have a tendency towards trying to fix broken people - our conversation was specific to the men that I've dated, and a man who I'm currently attracted to.  She was asking me what my type is.  I answered "tall, lean, broad shouldered, but funny outweighs all of that...um, and I have tended to date guys who are messed up..."

Of course the therapist wants to dig deeper into that.  Why?  My first answer would be that the fucked up men who I tend to want are usually also creative, passionate, interesting, and talented.  But my therapist questioned whether I thought that fixing them would make them stay with me longer out of gratitude or loyalty.  Maybe?  But right now I'd rather have several casual relationships instead of one serious one.  I don't know how much time I want to invest in "fixing" anyone, since right now I'm trying to work on myself and make my dreams come true.

But this extends past men.  I'll probably exclusively own rescue animals, since I think it's silly to spend money on bred dogs when there are plenty of big cuddlies at the SPCA that need love, too.

And as I think about raising children more and more I realize that giving birth to a baby is something I'm curious about.  But the thing that will fulfill me as an adult, a parent, a person is the idea of fostering and adopting children, particularly the children who tend to languish in the system like older children, Black and Latino children, troubled children.  I want the kids that other people don't choose, and I want to make their lives better than they may have been if they grew to adulthood in the system, or stayed with their parents.

I think this is more related with my longtime interest in psychology.  The reason I thought about becoming a psychologist was because I wanted to help people deal with their issues and "cure" them.  But why?

On the flip side of this coin, though, unloved animals sometimes are put down.  Unloved children sometimes grow to adulthood in a system that never showed them love and become unhealthy people.  Unloved men?  Usually find love somewhere eventually, or at least satisfaction.

Hmm.  Now that I've said the word unloved, I realize that that was one of my major childhood problems - I wasn't sure that my mother loved me until I left for college and she started making me call her all of the time and would say it at the end of each conversation.  Maybe I'm trying to keep people and creatures from feeling the way that I felt?

I can't really complete this train of thought.  I don't know if I will ever know for sure why I like to "fix" things, but I don't think it's such a bad thing, especially with regards to animals and children.  Men are the danger zone, and I'm not really sure what to do about that, since I tend to be attracted to men who are just as lonely as I have been in the past.

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