I'm Tired of Forgiving You

Below is the email that I just sent my "ex".  I have nothing to be ashamed of, and I'm tired of being made to feel like I do.



I was really looking forward to seeing you tonight, because I've missed you.  Then I found out that you were here, while I was home, and apparently didn't bother to stop by or call and see when I was coming home if you thought I was gone.  I don't understand what is wrong with you, and I'm tired of trying to understand.  You act like you want me to be more then a friend (and calling someone 2 or 3 times a week for an entire month is definitely "more than a friend" territory, and you clearly missed me, too, while you were gone), but then you push me away and act like I'm a stalker for trying to maintain a connection.  You act like you want to be friends, but you do something entirely shitty like coming back to town and not making any kind of effort to contact me.  I'm not saying  you had to rush over and see me as soon as you got here.  A simple call saying that you were in town and would see me when you got settled would have been fine.  Or when you came over tonight, you could have called to see when I was getting home if you thought that I wasn't here.

I've been so understanding with you over the past 2 years.  I've forgiven you so many times when you've hurt me, because I know that you're really a good person and I see something special in you.  But I've let people walk all over me my entire life, and I've finally realized this year that I deserve better than that.  All I've ever been is kind to you, and you're kind in return for a while, then you crush me like you don't give a shit.  And I know that you do, even though you tell your sister that you were just fucking me.  She has no problem telling other people that, so don't be surprised that it eventually got back to me.  In my gut, I know that our relationship wasn't about sex because 1) We only had sex twice, so it's doubtful to me that that's what our relationship was about, and 2) I saw how you looked at me, I felt how you cared about me, I could see how you liked making me happy for the short time that we can say we were together.

The funny thing is that I never even asked that much of you.  To this day I've never actually thought that I wanted you as a "boyfriend", in the formal sense.  To me, there's no reason for people to put definitions like that on relationships.  I just wanted to hang out the way we did before you left, very easy and fun.  You always assumed that I wanted more, but you never bothered to ask me what I wanted or tried to define our relationship through my eyes.  You really don't know enough about women, especially me, to make such assumptions.  I always wanted you to relax and just let things happen as they happen.  For someone who acts like he's so laid back, you were constantly trying to define and figure out what we were doing.  And really, I think you were and are too worried about what everyone else will think about us.  The only time you didn't seem to care was when we were dating in February, and everyone else we know was away.

I'm not your secret.  You should be ashamed that you would treat someone as kind, caring, generous, attractive, intelligent, and ambitious as me like something to be embarrassed about.  If you asked most men, especially the older ones who know a lot about women, they would tell you that I'm the kind of woman that you should hold on to, even if you're not sure what to do with me yet.

You've treated me like I'm some secret mistress that no one's supposed to know about, who's only kind to me when no one else is around so it's easier for him to tell people that he's just fucking me, or pretend that I'm crazy for thinking that he likes me.  The D--- who will visit the neighbors and spend time with the dog before he comes to see me.  I'm tired of you punishing me when all I've been is kind and forgiving towards you.  I don't deserve that.  And you know this.

I like the D--- who I was dating for 3 weeks in February, the one who'd wrap himself around me in bed and made me feel warm, the one who watched the same TV shows that I did and liked the same movies and taught me all sorts of things that I didn't know.  I miss that one, and if you ever stop being afraid of letting him show, tell him I adore him and he can come over anytime.

I'm starting to realize that being such a nice person hasn't gotten me what I want most of the time.  In a world full of mean, selfish people, the nice girls always finish last.  I could have waited for you to contact me whenever you finally felt like it, and pretended that I wasn't hurt that it took so long and just been happy that you were talking to me again.  I'm sure that's what you expected.  But I think that girl is dead, and you (though, not you alone) are the one who killed her.  I'll still be good to the people who are good to me, but everyone else will be called on their bullshit, and that's why I'm writing this to you.  You haven't been good to me lately, and I'm calling you on it.

You always take the easy way out, which means admitting that you were wrong, giving a half-assed apology that you don't really mean, and being happy that you don't have to deal with the unpleasantness of conflict anymore.  You can do that now, and not contact me anymore.  But if you are really a man who's almost 30 instead of a little boy who's afraid of his feelings, and if you've ever really cared about me, you'll try to fix this.  I can't promise that I'll forgive you this time, but I love you the way that I love all people who I consider really good friends (meaning, platonically) and I hate loosing really good friends, even if I'm the one to end it.

I want the fun times back.  I'm tired of being in pain.


No comments: