Blogging Challenge Day 5: My Definition of Love

I was going to write a poem, but then I found the following, here:

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul, and you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning and company doesn’t mean security, and you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts and presents aren’t promises, and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child, and you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure… that you really are strong, and you really do have worth.

I think that sums it up perfectly.

I'm Tired of Forgiving You

Below is the email that I just sent my "ex".  I have nothing to be ashamed of, and I'm tired of being made to feel like I do. _________________________________________________________________________________ D---, I was really looking forward to seeing you tonight, because I've missed you.  Then I found out that you were here, while I was home, and apparently didn't bother to stop by or call and see when I was coming home if you thought I was gone.  I don't understand what is wrong with you, and I'm tired of trying to understand.  You act like you want me to be more then a friend (and calling someone 2 or 3 times a week for an entire month is definitely "more than a friend" territory, and you clearly missed me, too, while you were gone), but then you push me away and act like I'm a stalker for trying to maintain a connection.  You act like you want to be friends, but you do something entirely shitty like coming back to town and not making any kind of effort to contact me.  I'm not saying  you had to rush over and see me as soon as you got here.  A simple call saying that you were in town and would see me when you got settled would have been fine.  Or when you came over tonight, you could have called to see when I was getting home if you thought that I wasn't here. I've been so understanding with you over the past 2 years.  I've forgiven you so many times when you've hurt me, because I know that you're really a good person and I see something special in you.  But I've let people walk all over me my entire life, and I've finally realized this year that I deserve better than that.  All I've ever been is kind to you, and you're kind in return for a while, then you crush me like you don't give a shit.  And I know that you do, even though you tell your sister that you were just fucking me.  She has no problem telling other people that, so don't be surprised that it eventually got back to me.  In my gut, I know that our relationship wasn't about sex because 1) We only had sex twice, so it's doubtful to me that that's what our relationship was about, and 2) I saw how you looked at me, I felt how you cared about me, I could see how you liked making me happy for the short time that we can say we were together. The funny thing is that I never even asked that much of you.  To this day I've never actually thought that I wanted you as a "boyfriend", in the formal sense.  To me, there's no reason for people to put definitions like that on relationships.  I just wanted to hang out the way we did before you left, very easy and fun.  You always assumed that I wanted more, but you never bothered to ask me what I wanted or tried to define our relationship through my eyes.  You really don't know enough about women, especially me, to make such assumptions.  I always wanted you to relax and just let things happen as they happen.  For someone who acts like he's so laid back, you were constantly trying to define and figure out what we were doing.  And really, I think you were and are too worried about what everyone else will think about us.  The only time you didn't seem to care was when we were dating in February, and everyone else we know was away. I'm not your secret.  You should be ashamed that you would treat someone as kind, caring, generous, attractive, intelligent, and ambitious as me like something to be embarrassed about.  If you asked most men, especially the older ones who know a lot about women, they would tell you that I'm the kind of woman that you should hold on to, even if you're not sure what to do with me yet. You've treated me like I'm some secret mistress that no one's supposed to know about, who's only kind to me when no one else is around so it's easier for him to tell people that he's just fucking me, or pretend that I'm crazy for thinking that he likes me.  The D--- who will visit the neighbors and spend time with the dog before he comes to see me.  I'm tired of you punishing me when all I've been is kind and forgiving towards you.  I don't deserve that.  And you know this. I like the D--- who I was dating for 3 weeks in February, the one who'd wrap himself around me in bed and made me feel warm, the one who watched the same TV shows that I did and liked the same movies and taught me all sorts of things that I didn't know.  I miss that one, and if you ever stop being afraid of letting him show, tell him I adore him and he can come over anytime. I'm starting to realize that being such a nice person hasn't gotten me what I want most of the time.  In a world full of mean, selfish people, the nice girls always finish last.  I could have waited for you to contact me whenever you finally felt like it, and pretended that I wasn't hurt that it took so long and just been happy that you were talking to me again.  I'm sure that's what you expected.  But I think that girl is dead, and you (though, not you alone) are the one who killed her.  I'll still be good to the people who are good to me, but everyone else will be called on their bullshit, and that's why I'm writing this to you.  You haven't been good to me lately, and I'm calling you on it. You always take the easy way out, which means admitting that you were wrong, giving a half-assed apology that you don't really mean, and being happy that you don't have to deal with the unpleasantness of conflict anymore.  You can do that now, and not contact me anymore.  But if you are really a man who's almost 30 instead of a little boy who's afraid of his feelings, and if you've ever really cared about me, you'll try to fix this.  I can't promise that I'll forgive you this time, but I love you the way that I love all people who I consider really good friends (meaning, platonically) and I hate loosing really good friends, even if I'm the one to end it. I want the fun times back.  I'm tired of being in pain. Denise

From NOLAFemmes - To Share With My Sista's

I love this.  I wish all men could be self-reflective about the pain that they cause.

Some updates with me

I'm visiting my Mom in Maryland until Thursday and I can only pick up a wireless signal on the left side of my childhood twin bed, so posting will be a bit sparse.

She surprised me with church this morning, which is annoying. Even when I considered myself a Christian I didn't enjoy church, and while I'm not an athiest, I've seen and heard too much bad shit to trust organized religion. Also, if she'd told me before I got here, I could've at least packed an appropriate dress and shoes. I'll admit though, when the turbulence got bad on the plane ride over, I definitely prayed.

As I figured, the organic diet is not going to work here. I'm glad that I'm just starting it, and haven't completely crossed over yet.

I started reading World War Z during my 2 hour flight, and by the end of the day on Friday I had finished more than half of it. If the church service is too boring, I may whip it out. I took a break from it yesterday because someone with an imagination as overactive as mine really shouldn't be reading a realistic portrayal of the zombie war. I do want to adapt it into a film, however. And buy a gun. I'll review it when I'm done. I also have been putting off a review of District 9, which I saw on Wednesday.

I still want my fleur-de-lis tattoo, and hope that I can find a shop to do it for less than $100. I decided to wait until after my trip home so it would be completely healed when Mom comes for Christmas.

I'm feeling a little down about the acting thing. I jumped at the oppurtinuty to get $75 headshots throug a cultural center here, but I didn't really know what to expect and don't think I was prepared. I don't know if they're good enough to snag an agent. But if the pic I took with my BlackBerry has been good enough to get me cast as an extra (and an audition with Tremé), these will be good enough for me to get more of the same until I can afford better headshots. I also need to save up for acting classes and workshops. I haven't seen one advertised for less than $250. It seems like it wouldn't be worth it, but casting and talent agents sometimes observe these things and you can get work that way.

I've also been feeling down about my lack of a love life, but what the fuck else is new. I don't even want a "boyfriend", just someone to hang out and fool around with.

Lastly: I miss Biko. : (
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

Attraction

Attraction. How does this work nowadays, exactly? It's so confusing, yet showing and detecting attraction should be so simple.

It's easy to tell when women are attracted to someone, but maybe that's because I'm a woman and I know all of our tricks and signals. When we're attracted to a man there are numerous ways that we'll show it. We'll find ways to spend time with you, even if it's only for a few minutes. Start random conversations just to learn more about you. Unnecessarily touch you in places that are not overtly sexual, like your hand or shoulder. Sneak peeks at you, smile at you, try to make you laugh. Laugh at all of the things that you say, no matter how stupid or unfunny. These are some of the subtle signs of the beginnings of attraction, and to me they are obvious because I do them as well, unless I'm really unsure of a man's attraction to me (i.e. he's giving me signals that are too subtle, or none in either direction). After getting positive responses to these signals, a confident woman may make the first move, if you don't first. But what do men do?

Some men, confident men have already assessed their level of attraction to us, so when they see that we return the attraction they make their move. Simple. Easy. Straightforward. I like these kinds of men. The first guy that I dated was this kind of guy. I had no questions about his feelings for me, which made things much easier.

The next kind of guy, has already figured out whether he is attracted to you and is trying to figure out as he goes along how to actually get somewhere with you. He's too young and immature to simply ask you out, so there's a period of extended flirting (which can last weeks, months, or, dear God, years) that involves playful teasing, constant attention-getting, unnecessary touching (appropriateness depending on his creep level). Eventually, hopefully, he'll either ask you out or give it up. I get this kind of guy, and I will play along with his games to a certain extent. But if he can't work up the nerve to ask me out, I sure as hell will.

The men who elude and confound me are the ones who send mixed signals, or signals that are so subtle that you're not sure what they mean. I'm not sure what's happening with these guys. Part of it is probably some sort of insecurity, but I'm starting to wonder if the men in my generation are, for lack of a better term, "pussies". As much as I hate it when random older men hit on me, they have the right idea as far as making a connection goes. They know that if you swing every time you have a better chance at hitting a ball every now and then. Young guys don't understand that. Sitting and pining for a girl for a year is not cute and charming the way the movies make it look; that's a year wasted that you both could have been having fun, enjoying new experiences, helping each other through rough times, getting laid regularly! And if she's not interested, then you can focus your attentions on someone else. Simple. Easy. Straightforward.

Grow up, boys. I don't want to have to start dating 30 year-olds, but I cannot remember the last time that I was approached by a guy my age, or was absolutely sure that one was interested in me.