Parting Clouds

After three days of torrential downpours and an upstairs neighbor who leaves her doors open in order for her barking rodent to roam about freely, a chunk of my wet ceiling collapsed into my bedroom at 5 this morning.  Not near the bed, so I went back to sleep.  Thank goodness my landlord is awesome and quick to respond to the issues that always pop up in old houses like the one I live in.

The sun is now shining, though, as I write this from my outdoor table at the Esplanade CCs, and I'm looking forward to a weekend full of sunshine and warm weather.  I mentioned in my previous post that I might have sunken into an even deeper depth of depression over the past year.  I finally started seeing a therapist regularly at the beginning of March, and I sucked it up and got prescribed an anti-depressant.  The idea of being on prescription drugs has always made me very nervous because I don't like the idea of chemicals causing reactions in my body that I can't see and/or control, but I realized that saying "well I'm not suicidal, so it's not that bad" wasn't going to cut it anymore, since I was also:  Not motivated to do anything to make my future happen the way I want it to; too socially anxious to develop or maintain friendships; not capable of concentrating on anything longer than a few minutes at a time; tired all of the time; not capable of remembering what being happy feels like.  That's not living, so I might as well have been suicidal.

It's been about four weeks so far but I started seeing a difference in week two; the full difference won't be felt until weeks five or six.  I feel like I'm quicker to smile, I'm more talkative in social situations, I don't put myself down as much, and I'm not as self-conscious as I used to be.  I also find myself jittery with energy sometimes, which I thought was weird unti I remembered that when I was a kid I was always fidgety and full of energy and movement.  Things like this are why I needed to finally get some help - I've been clinically depressed for over ten years, and it had gotten to the point that I couldn't remember the last time I had been genuinely happy, or what my actual personality was like.  I don't even know if this is my full personality - when I went through puberty I was depressed and most of the knowledge I've gained and the experiences that I've had have been seen through the gray filter of depression.

I'm hoping that the next month or so will shed light on who I am and where I'm going, and I think that I'm excited to see what's ahead.

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